So it’s safe to say (judging by my Instagram feed) that I have been back ‘on the wagon’ for the last 5 weeks or so. I’ve been hitting the gym at least 4 times a week, and while my eating habits haven’t been totally clean per-se, I’ve been pretty good.
And yet… No progress.
The number on the scale hasn’t budged. In fact, it has gone up once or twice. And before anyone starts up with the whole “BUT YOU’RE BUILDING MUSCLE!!11!!!!!!111” routine, please spare me. I am aware that I am building muscle. But I also know that I have approximately 50 pounds to lose… so the fat loss should cancel out the muscle gain. Believe me. I have indeed done this before.
So here I sit – I’m pissed off, quite frankly, and frustrated, and feeling like a failure. I’m picking apart every piece of food that I eat, getting angry with myself for not trying hard enough or not doing enough. And then, on the other end, I’m worried, because I feel like something has to be wrong with me. It’s not normal to go from very little exercise to working out 4 days a week, with little change in eating habits (if anything they have improved) and not lose a pound. My weight is very concentrated in my midsection, too, whereas it used to distribute more over my whole body.
My mind is racing – what if I’m sick? What if there’s something wrong? And then I come full circle again – no, you’re just not working hard enough, you’re just not eating well enough, you’re not really trying – and I second guess everything for all eternity.
Quite frankly, not seeing progress is depressing. It’s disheartening. It makes me feel insanely helpless and angry and it throws the self-loathing into overdrive. Whenever I look in the mirror, my brain is a constant refrain of ‘why can’t you be better?’ and it’s a little bit soul-crushing, especially seeing all the amazing progress pictures that are posted by my beautiful Insta-friends week after week.
Even still, I know I have to keep going. I know that giving up will get me nowhere, and will be even worse for my health. So I will keep going. I’ll wake up every morning hoping to be a little better than I was the day before. I’ll push a little harder. I’ll cry when I need to, feel angry and frustrated when I need to, but never stop pushing forward.
So to end off this very raw and honest post… anyone have any advice? I’m already tracking food and exercise in both MyFitnessPal and a journal, and while I recognize that my eating habits haven’t been stellar, they also aren’t terrible. I’m mixing resistance workouts with cardio, both fasted HIIT in the morning and LISS at various other times. I’m drinking tons of water and getting plenty of sleep. What gives? Where am I going wrong? How do I keep myself motivated knowing that 5 weeks of effort have amounted to basically zero? Any advice is honestly 10000% welcome!
Ok, I’m done now, I promise. I hope you all are having better weeks than I currently am!